This post was partly inspired by a recent decision to ban the sale of ice cream at our summer pools, because ice cream was deemed unhealthy for our kids by the City of Boulder. I was offended that the city felt the need to make decisions for me about what is healthy for my family, but I am even more concerned about the rigid, limited, stigma forming beliefs that informed this decision. Our black and white ideas about health contribute to poor self esteem, body image struggles, relationship issues, and leave us feeling disempowered. This post is an attempt to shed a little light on this area.
So here goes.
I observe a lot of mothers struggling with their kids when it comes to food. I watch as they engage in power struggles around sugar, or getting their kids to sit and finish a meal, or even using food as a reward or a punishment.
Another common situation I observe is parents trying to persuade their kids to eat “healthy.” And, despite doing their best to convince their child the importance of eating healthy foods, their kids don’t care.
Sound familiar?
Seven and a half years into family life, my husband and I have not struggled with our kids about food, or sugar, or eating enough, or eating certain foods. I realize that we are in the minority.
I came into motherhood having spent many years working as a psychotherapist in the field of eating disorders. This experience gave me a unique perspective on the topics of body image, eating, and health, as well as the feeding of my kids. It also gave me a strong foundation when it came time to feed my own family. I know what I want to teach, as well as prevent, in my children’s development here.
In other words, I know what to do and what NOT to do.
When I began working in the eating disorder field, I had to examine all of my own ideas, issues, and beliefs around eating and body image in myself. While I never had an eating disorder, I definitely had what we wrongly consider “normal” eating and body image issues. I had to look closely at what I had adopted, even unconsciously, from the messages that surrounded me throughout my life. And then deal with them. This meant not only unraveling the beliefs and fears that fueled my stories, but also taking overt action to dispel the myths and whatever I was afraid of.
Thankfully, I took the time and energy to do this. How I think, feel, and behave around food and my body has an enormous impact on how eating and body image unfolds for my kids. My husband has followed my lead around how we relate to food and our bodies in our family, and has learned a lot about himself here, as well. While at first he was skeptical about my approach, eventually he saw the innate balance that was emerging in our children around food.
What is my approach?
Extremely simple: Offer a range of food choices. Allow them to enjoy.
Thats pretty much it.
Ok, the truth is a lot of intention, understanding, and experience goes into that approach. I could say a lot more about how we talk about eating, appetite, allergies, body shapes and sizes, movement and exercise. How we make food choices, relate to food preferences, and changing bodily needs is all relevant here, too. But what is more important than all of that as we begin this exploration is what I didn’t do with my kids around food: I didn’t reinforce a black and white, polarizing, definition of health.
The oversimplified and limited version of “healthy eating” that a large part of society subordinates to is not my thing. In fact, I think the way we casually use the word “healthy” is one of the most toxic messages to our health out there. It conveys admiration or judgment (to almost religious proportions) depending on which end of the healthy-unhealthy spectrum you land in any given moment.
For example, with food: our society has established the idea that there are “good” foods and “bad” foods. All that has accomplished is we feel good when we eat the so called good foods, and bad when we eat the so called bad foods.
Ever felt proud about yourself because you “resisted” a food that you deemed unhealthy? Ever felt shame or guilt after eating something you thought wasn’t “good” for you? That is what I’m talking about.
I would like to go on the record to say there are no good or bad foods. Food does not have moral underpinnings. It’s just food. Reducing foods to “good and bad” may simplify our food choices on one level (if we subscribe to that thinking), but just creates feelings of shame, guilt, or anxiety for liking, wanting, or eating foods that don’t fit into whatever healthy box is being used in that moment (there are many).
Our kids are smart. When we want them to give a shit about our so called healthy foods, and inundate them with “shoulds” about how to feed their bodies, they know (on some level) we are pushing an agenda on them that we can’t back up with our own experience. It’s no surprise that we see rebellion here.
So ditch the word healthy, you don’t need it. Your kids don’t care, and it doesn’t mean anything anymore. Think of all the “health” foods, fads, and trends most of us have lived through by now. Chances are your health food today will be on someone’s “bad” list tomorrow.
Legalize food, free it up. You’ll be better off creating a new vocabulary and reasons for eating what you like to eat. Hopefully you’re eating what you like to eat (some of us are subordinating to the food trends and health trance so intensely, we don’t even know what we actually like anymore).
Health is a multifaceted experience. It includes physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, social, vocational, and relational components. Every aspect of our being is connected and plays a part in the symphony that culminates in an experience of health. While we’re at it, remember to include the phases and events of our life: celebrations, seasons, injuries, illnesses, age, disposition, physical endeavors, energy needs, culture, socioeconomic status, and personal values.
When we expand health to include our whole being, we become empowered, informed, and discerning about what our needs, values, or goals are regarding our own health. This more complex, but accurate, view of health supports a balanced and safe society for everyone.
We cannot extract one component, such as someone’s body weight, and make any determination whatsoever about that person’s overall health. This is an example of our societal tendency to oversimplify the complex, and ignore or discount the difficulties we face. But if I’m selling you a health product or “solution,” it’s hard to market it to you if I am honest about how complex health truly is. As consumers, we want quick solutions to our pain and discomfort. We don’t want to do the work that is necessary to empower, educate, and inform ourselves.
I worked with hundreds of (mostly) women—your sisters, daughters, wives, mothers, and friends—all of whom had sought the refuge that society’s view of health promises through oversimplifying, denial, and judgment. Many of my client’s friends and family were initially very supportive of their diet and exercise routines, because they too subscribed to health as a list of instructions to follow that should lead to thinness and happiness.
And by the way, I’d like to go out on a limb and say what the societal push towards health is REALLY about: looking thin and happy.
There. I said it.
Hopefully you see how fucked up this is.
And it’s not women with eating disorders who are fucked up—these smart, lovely, insightful people. It is us. Healthy isn’t a look, or something we can eat our way into or out of, or that will save us from the difficulties in our lives. We have major issues as a society around food and our bodies, that include fat phobia and sizism, and the generally accepted “war on obesity,” which is creating more mental health problems than helping anyone.
A lot of us want to be healthy, feel healthy, and live a healthy lifestyle. As parents, we also want the same for our children. But what does that really mean? Defining this is the way to sovereignty around your health and the health of your family.
Most people don’t understand there is a hidden key to unlocking this whole mess. It lies in relationship. Our relationship with our child is the most useful place to focus when it comes to emotional and behavioral issues around food. We have incredible insight about our children if we choose to pay attention and develop it.
Did you know that eating is the place where we initiate our first boundary as humans? From the day we are born, it’s the first place we can say “No.” It’s worth our while to consider why our children feel the need to utilize this boundary in relationship to us and to their body. There is nothing simple about this question, or the answers it may reveal, which will undoubtedly have a huge range. But when we start to consider questions like this, it brings us closer to territory that could reveal insights that would actually help.
As a society, we grossly underestimate the impact and value of our relationships, and thus our mental and emotional well being, on our overall health. Instead, we over focus on food and exercise, try to apply a particular physical or diet formula to our lives, and bypass the more complex, intricate, difficult, and meaningful world of our relational life.
What our kids eat, want to eat, how they eat, tells us something. But its not the place to put all of our attention. We can incorporate that information into the whole picture of how they regulate themselves, who they are, what they love, how connected we feel to them, what is happening currently in their life, what they’ve already gone through, and all the other interesting and compelling aspects of being in relationship with these incredible young ones.
We can benefit from looking at our relationship to ourselves, to food, our bodies, our partners, our families, at all of our relationships. So much is happening in our relationships that informs how we think, feel, and act every day of our life. It is in these areas we perhaps receive the most nourishment from life. Knowing ourselves here will bring a lot of useful information for each of our particular family situations and struggles.
We can teach our kids how to care for their own well being in a truly comprehensive way that will serve them throughout their life. We can teach them how to listen to their emotions, sensations, minds, hearts, bodies, and spirits. We can work hard to help them process all the information that they perceive. We can support our children’s health by allowing it to be the broad, multifaceted, and individual experience that it is. That all starts with us. We can’t teach what we don’t live.
One of our many superpowers as mothers is our ability to deal with, and even embrace, complexity. Responding and attending to multilayered experiences and needs coming from many angles is something we handle. We know the beautiful brilliance that lies in this rather unresolvable work of loving and caring for ourselves and our family day in and day out. We struggle, yes, and we continue to cultivate a rich, meaningful, and gratitude filled life with our children. We are masters at life’s complexity, whether we like it or not.
So don’t let our society’s need for simple, reductionist, and polarizing solutions to life’s challenges be your way. It only makes things harder in the long run.
So yes, I’d like to be in charge of my decision to enjoy ice cream with my kids at the pool this summer. Or not. And no, I don’t need a city policy to help me here. I think I’ve got it.
I really appreciate what you’ve shared, Ellen. Thank you for owning your wisdom and sharing it! I will be thinking of all of this as I go through my day with myself and my daughters. I especially appreciate you pointing out out courage to embrace the complexity rather than our craving of the certainty by labeling food good or bad. Love to you.
Thank you, as always, for your love and support, Mara. Yes, sadly, girls in particular may have more to contend with down the road as far as being embodied and honoring their needs, feelings, and instincts. But I know your girls are in the best of hands! Love to you and your family as well!
One piece missing in this article for me is the very real effect modern agricultural practices have done to our food supply. While I appreciate the angle that there should be no forbidden foods so that girls develop a healthy sense of body image and nutritional practices, it is a fact that autoimmune diseases and type 2 diabetes, and cancersare increasing at an exponential rate. Much of this can be directly attributed to nutritional practices and the corruption of our food supply. While I thought the ice cream ban was a bit of an overreach, I also applaud that many public schools have organic gardens onsite in our community and that children are learning where food comes from and what is actually going to support health and what may harm health. As someone with celiac and other autoimmune disorders rampant in my genetic family tree, and as someone who has overcome many health challenges it makes sense for myself and my family to avoid foods that have triggered significant health conditions. I appreciate what you wrote however I think there is a bigger piece to this issue. As someone who works with chronically ill people on a daily basis I will admit that perhaps my worldview is informed by this. I would be happy to dialogue at some point as to how I manage this with my own children. Blessings
Tara thank you so much for this comment. There IS more to all of this, very true. I am all for deepening the nutrition and nourishment our food can give us, for growing our own food, and education around gardening, cooking, and enjoying the richness of our incredible food resources in their original, natural form. We have to make informed and discerning choices about how to feed ourselves, hopefully based on a combination of knowledge through experience and education. I also am recovering from an autoimmune condition and know that nutrition plays a role in my recovery. Still, I firmly believe that if we buy into the good/bad dynamic that is perpetuated around food, it creates stress and symptoms that do not support the health we are working toward. I also think, through my own experience and research, that we pay way too little attention to our social/emotional environment as a source of stress that contributes to these complex diseases. Relationship, especially attachment relationships, play a huge role in our overall health, and need to be recognized more as such. In the sense that someone could eat “perfectly” and still have symptoms of disease due to stresses attributed to relational and emotional origins. I imagine you see this in your practice. Its harder to know what to do here, but I think as a society we need to be asking these questions to really address health completely. A person I follow and respect on these issues is Gabor Mate, if you want to go deeper with these ideas. Thank you for this comment, again, it inspires me to keep writing about these issues!
Yes, definitely I agree stress and cortisol also plays a strong part in health. And social bonding and relationships are also a part of this puzzle. Thank you for shedding a light on the social/emotional piece of this. My son has multiple allergies (tested) and some are a bit strong though luckily not life threatening or anaphalactic. The kids and their parents with the anaphalactic allergies to, say, peanuts, have to navigate a world that can feel and be very scary and out of control. So naturally they will have control issues around food. I navigated my son’s allergies by using rare accidental exposures as teaching moments whenever they happened. Pointing out how he was feeling and relating it to what he ate. Because he would always show symptoms. And he understands at age 13 which foods work for him and which don’t. He is currently at sleepaway music camp out of state right now and reports that he is sticking to his diet, but he is also sampling every flavor of Mountain Dew, which is not something he would have at home! And roasting marshmallows! I knew when he went away it would be a learning experience, and a letting go of parental control, and a chance to see how he manages food and the urge to experiment on his own! So far what my husband and I put into place seems to be working!
I too feel grateful I have not had to navigate severe or life threatening allergies with my children, a whole other issue. Thanks again for your response.
This was a very insightful read for me as an adult who thinks that the ‘black and white’ of food is out of control. I think it’s a good thing for all of us to look at in ourselves as well as the children. I’m sharing it with everyone I know.
Thank you for reading and relating to this issue!
This has really, really touched me Ellen. I have had an ongoing struggle with food, body image and my relationshio to both since about 14 years old. It’s prompted me to begin to write a program a few years ago aimed for women to help to change their relationship and WHOLE concept to food which includes body image and ‘health’. Maybe not even change but in the way that I approach it, I believe it will most likely change their relationship with their food. Your article has been the first that I have read that has hit home in such a clear and necessary way that the YES in my body was enormous. And, after a stuck period this has motivated me to continue get this program out there! What I also LOVE most is how you reference the topic with our own relationships in our lives. You may or may not know that I have been following and studying with your powerhouse Husband Jayson learning the necessary relationship skills needed in this world and what I actually found, initially in an inadvertant way that these skills helped me with my ever flourishing relationship to food. I would so love to continue this converstaion with you. I actually had a thought whilst finishing reading your article that perhaps you can write a forward or intro for this program in future, if it resonates with you at all. I need all the help I can get and diving into conversation such as the one you are bringing forth here is so supportive. I support you! Thank you for this truth. It is what we all need to hear. I feel inspired and so grateful. Perhaps we meet too when I come to Boulder!?
Thank you Melina. And yes if you’re coming for the weekend with Jayson we will get to meet. I don’t know what I could commit to around writing something for you, but I definitely encourage you continuing with what inspires and resonates for you around this work. And I’m not surprised to hear that the work you are doing in relationships with Jayson’s guidance would help you here. They are absolutely related. Thanks again for your response!
Mmmm, I really love the spirit of this piece and could apply it to so many aspects of parenting. I am in total agreement with what you say and have experience that tells me health is such a complex issue. I hate the vilification of food and it causes me hyper-vigilance which is no Bueno! I know that my neurosis and issues are so much more damaging to my kids than any gummy bear can be. I’m trying to deal with my stuff as fast as I can. But in the meantime how do I unring a bell of knowing that food coloring is bad for the body for example? I do let my kids indulge in it fairly regularly but they also are aware that it hurts to do so. And when I eat it I fully admit I feel guilty which is silly. Why feel guilty if you are going to indulge?
And the other aspect of this is there are parents out there who are not “educated” in health food and their kids eat what they want and end up with diabetes and obese. I’m not buying into skinny= healthy but I feel we can’t just eat anything with joyous abandon with no consequences I don’t think? I really try to offer as healthy of choices at home and then let my kids do other things outside. I know I want to let go of the guilt and fear about that and just enjoy life. Ultimately I want to say yes to a lot more and feel good about it! I just would love more insight on how this looks day to day?
I wouldn’t worry too much about what other people are doing, or not doing. Usually, we know very little of the whole picture of what other families are dealing with, or how they are doing things. I would encourage you to keep paying attention to your own internal dialogue and feelings around food and your body, as you are already doing. It also can be helpful to limit or eliminate reading, watching, and listening to food, diet, and eating trends and recommendations from general sources like the media. Stay with the more difficult but empowering terrain of your own experience. And thanks for responding!